I’m not a psychiatrist. I’m not a psychologist. I am a preacher. I can’t diagnose clinical depression. But I have been diagnosed in the past. Depression runs in my family. It’s not the same for everyone. But I can relate.
So, was Charles Wesley depressed? Charles wrestled with reluctance and heaviness for his entire itinerant preaching ministry. He recorded his feelings and sorrow in more than 65 separate entries in his manuscript journal. While I can’t say with authority that Charles was depressed, I can relate to his sentiments as someone with depressive tendencies myself. What can be said for sure is that despite his reluctance, heaviness, and sorrow, Charles had an enduring and fruitful ministry. Charles Wesley serves as an inspiring example of what is possible when a reluctant preacher yields themselves to their Lord and Savior.
What lessons can be learned from the life of this reluctant preacher? Read on. I pray you’ll be encouraged in faithfulness by the example of this brother in Christ from the past.
The Cloud of Witnesses
Scripture tells us that we can, and should, be encouraged by the faithfulness of Christians in the past.
Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:1-2
This cloud of faithful witnesses should encourage us to look beyond their example. To look to the author and perfecter of faith. To look to Jesus.
Therefore, the purpose of looking to the faithfulness of Charles Wesley through heaviness, reluctance, and sorrow is not to praise Charles. It is to praise Jesus. Praising Him for providing the grace and strength that Charles relied upon. And knowing that since Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever, that He remains faithful and able to do the same for us.
World of Misery
It has been noted that Charles had a fascination with death. For a longer post on that topic, read this post. Prior to his evangelical conversion, Charles makes it clear that he views life as being filled with misery.
I called upon Mrs Pendarves, while she was reading a letter of my being dead. Happy for me had the news been true. What a world of misery would it save me.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry January 22, 1737
Charles had returned recently from his disappointing missionary endeavors in America. (For more on Charles and his feelings about America, read this post.)
He expresses in no uncertain terms that he wished he had been dead as reported.
Great Heaviness
Charles was born-again on May 21, 1738. Don’t miss our post on the Conversion of Charles Wesley. But this didn’t erase his heaviness.
A week after his conversion, Charles records:
I rose in great heaviness, which neither private nor joint prayer could remove. At last I betook myself to intercession for my relations, which was greatly helped and enlarged herein, particularly in prayer for a most profligate sinner.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry May 28, 1738
It’s not uncommon for those experiencing great heaviness to withdraw and refrain from activity, because they wonder, “what’s the point?”
What is so encouraging to me is that when Charles began his day by rising in great heaviness, he pressed through. He prayed by himself. He prayed with others. When that didn’t alleviate his heaviness, he didn’t give up.
Through interceding for his family and for an open sinner, he finally found relief and victory. Instead of giving up, Charles pressed through.
Trusting God, Not Feelings
A few days later, the heaviness returned.
Was troubled today that I could not pray; utterly dead at the Sacrament.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry June 1, 1738
His troubles continued into the next day.
Still unable to pray; still dead in communicating; full of a cowardly desire of death.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry June 2, 1738
And the next.
My deadness continued and the next day increased. I rose exceeding heavy and averse to prayer, so that I almost resolved not to go to church, which I had not been able to do till within these two or three days past. When I did go, the prayers and Sacrament were exceeding grievous to me, and could not help asking myself, “Where is the difference between what I am now and what I was before believing?”
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry June 3, 1738
Exceeding heavy indeed. So, was there a difference? There was. Charles immediately answered his own question.
I immediately answered, that if darkness was not like the former darkness, because I was satisfied. There was no guilt in it, because I was assured it would be dispersed; and because, though I could not find I loved God, or feel that he loved me, yet I did and would believe he loved me notwithstanding.
Ibid.
Charles said it was different because he was believing God instead of believing his feelings. He believed that God would eventually disperse the darkness and heaviness. Charles chose to believe God, even when he didn’t feel like it.
The heaviness didn’t dissipate despite Charles’s faith. Not right away.
I returned home and lay down with the same load upon me. … I was very averse to coming among them, but forced myself to it, and spent two or three hours in singing, reading, and prayers. This exercise a little revived me, and I found myself much assisted to pray.
Ibid.
Charles still didn’t feel like it, but he pressed himself to continue in the discipline of the Lord. To do it anyway. Little by little, the heaviness was lifted.
We asked particularly that if it was the will of God, someone might now receive the atonement. While I was yet speaking of words, Mr Brown found power to believe. … We were all full of joy and thanksgiving. Before we parted, I prayed with Mr Brown and praised God to the great confirmation of my faith. The weight was quite taken off.
Ibid.
Charles’s faith paid off. He found the confirmation by pressing through. By enduring. By obeying God, not his feelings. And after the heaviness was lifted, Charles praised God for his trial.
I found power to pray with great earnestness and rejoiced in my trial’s having continued so long, to show me that it is then the best time to labor for our neighbour when we are most cast down and most unable to help ourselves.
Ibid.
What a profound conclusion! When we are cast down, that is the best time to pray, intercede, and labor for others. Instead of focusing on ourselves and looking inward, look outward.
Burdened For The Lost
The Bible teaches that Christians should have joy in all circumstances. But does this mean we should never be burdened by the brokenness around us?
Quite the contrary. The Apostle Paul was burdened heavily for the salvation of others.
I am telling the truth in Christ, I am not lying, my conscience testifies with me in the Holy Spirit, that I have great sorrow and unceasing grief in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were accursed, separated from Christ for the sake of my brethren, my kinsmen according to the flesh.
Romans 9:1-3, bold added.
Paul’s great sorrow and unceasing grief led him to pray, preach, and rest in the Lord.
Charles Wesley was likewise burdened over the lost in his midst. Regarding his sister, Charles wrote:
At night we were joined in prayer for Hetty. Never did I pray with greater earnestness, expecting an immediate answer and being much disappointed at not finding it. … I was in great heaviness for her and could not sleep till morning.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry June 9, 1738
Not only was Charles burdened for his lost sister, but he expressed disappointment at his expectation not being met. Yet, Charles didn’t allow his disappointment to cause him to give up. He continued in prayer and expectation, trusting in the Lord to accomplish His perfect will in His time.
Taking Thoughts Captive
Charles didn’t just battle heaviness and reluctance. He had enduring physical problems and frail health. These two struggles – physical and emotional – often worked together in burdening Charles.
When his physical pain returned and increased, it had affects upon his mental and emotional states.
Here I was stopped by the return of my pain and forced to bed. Desires of death continually rose in me, which I laboured to check, not daring to form any wish concerning it.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry June 17, 1738
Charles knew it wasn’t right to wish for his own death. So, when those desires rose in his flesh he labored to take his thoughts captive. He didn’t let his mind wander. He didn’t follow his desires. He sought to follow Christ. To stop incorrect thoughts and desires in their tracks.
This took effort. It wasn’t easy. The right thing rarely is.
Shamefully Unwilling
Charles went to preach at Newgate prison to the condemned. He went despite his feelings.
Went with Sparks to Newgate; shamefully unwilling, yet preached on repentance with earnest zeal.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry October 5, 1738
Charles states that his unwillingness was shameful. Even so, he felt what he felt. Instead of walking in the flesh, he followed the Spirit and did what the Lord wanted, not what he wanted.
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.
The Apostle Paul
Galatians 5:16-17
Cheered By Obedience
The desire for death that Charles felt was not fleeting. It came and went and came again.
Felt a pining desire to die, foreseeing the infinite dangers and troubles of life.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry November 25, 1738
Infinite dangers. Troubles of life. Charles could see them. Instead of giving him a zeal for life, it gave him a desire to die.
Yet, as Charles walked in obedient faith, he found himself cheered.
At Mr Wells’s preached the faith of the gospel to him … Read prayers, and was afterwards constrained to speak freely and fully. Much cheered by it myself.
Ibid., emphasis original.
Through preaching and prayer, Charles was uplifted. At least temporarily. As he continued to walk in obedience, he continued to find the Lord give him rest amidst his burdens.
Usual Reluctance
Charles’s reluctance wasn’t unusual for him. It was the norm.
Went to Newgate with my usual reluctance. Preached with freedom, and in prayer had great power, as all present seemed to confess.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry March 8, 1739
God’s power was able to work through Charles’s reluctant obedience.
From Peace To Discouragement
Charles had a strong desire to remain within the Church of England. As a Methodist, Charles consistently found that relationship strained. When Charles was forbidden to preach by the Archbishop of Canterbury, he experienced a range of emotions.
I felt nothing in my heart but peace. Prayed and sang … But some hours after, at West’s, sank down in great heaviness and discouragement.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry June 19, 1739
Charles initially felt peace. After some time passed, the tidal wave of discouragement came. Charles sunk down underneath it. Charles continued to pray and yield himself more and more to the will of the Lord and service for the gospel.
A few days later Charles records:
My inward conflict continued. Perceived it was the fear of man; and that by preaching in the field next Sunday, as George Whitefield urges me, I shall break down the bridge and become desperate. Retired, and prayed for particular direction, offering up my friends, my liberty, my life, for Christ’s sake and the gospel’s. Somewhat less burdened, yet could not be quite easy till I gave up all.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry June 23, 1739
Charles recognized he was conflicted because of fear of man. He knew this wasn’t the Lord’s will. Charles knew that his burden would be taken off only when he was willing to give up all for the sake of Christ.
Easier said than done. Yet, Christ is worthy of nothing less than all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength.
The next day Charles preached in the open-air to an audience of near ten thousand.
My load was gone, and all my doubts and scruples. God shone upon my path, and I knew this was his will concerning me.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry June 24, 1739
Charles was committed to following the Lord’s will, fearing Him alone.
A Continual Storm
Charles describes his physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental state as living in a continual storm.
Never knew till now the strength of temptation, and energy of sin. Who that conferred with flesh and blood would covet great success? I live in a continual storm. My soul is always in my hand. The enemy thrusts sore at me, that I may fall. And a worse enemy than the devil is my own heart.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry July 22, 1739
As his success grew, so did his temptations. Charles wondered why anyone would want to be successful in ministry if this is the result. Immediately after this, Charles quipped in Latin, “I marvel that any preacher is saved!”
Indeed.
Prayer is needed for those with a prominent platform. For strength to weather the storm. For the wisdom, grace, and peace of God to abound. For the sake of God’s great name.
Tempted To Hide
Charles confided in his friend George Whitefield in a letter. He wrote to his friend and co-laborer in Christ of his continual temptation to flee from gospel ministry.
I am continually tempted to leave off preaching, and hide myself like John Hutchings. I should then be freer from temptation, and at leisure to attend my own improvement. God continues to work by me, but not in me, that I can perceive. Do not reckon upon me, my brother, in the work God is doing, for I cannot expect he should long employ one who is ever longing and murmuring to be discharged.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry August 10, 1739, emphasis original
Charles was correct that God was working by him. But he was incorrect on both God not working in him or that he would be only shortly employed in the service of preaching.
This candid admission from Charles to Whitefield can likely be understood by many who have been called into the ministry of preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ as their full-time vocation.
Wished I Hadn’t Been Born
Charles and the Methodists are well known for their emphasis on personal holiness. Often, those who pursue holiness the most seriously are those who are most aware of their own sinfulness.
This was certainly true in Charles’s case.
and before the day was past felt my own sinfulness so great, that I wished I had never been born.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry August 12, 1739
Rejoicing over the love of God in Christ and lamenting over the horrors of our own sinfulness are not mutually exclusive. We can be filled with joy at the willingness of God to redeem sinners with the blood of Christ while simultaneously mourning that it was our sin that made such a redemption necessary.
Weary and Faint
Charles again describes his experience as a minister of the gospel.
I always find strength for the work of the ministry, but when my work is over, my strength, both bodily and spiritual, leaves me. I can pray for others, not for myself. God by me strengthens the weak hands, and confirms the feeble knees, yet I am myself as a man in whom is no strength. I am weary and faint in my mind, longing continually to be discharged.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry September 16, 1739
Sound appealing?
Pray for your elders and spiritual leaders. Pray for those who labor at preaching and teaching. They may not have strength to pray for themselves after spending their strength in praying for you.
Brethren, pray for us.
1 Thessalonians 5:25
Heart On His Sleeve
As briefly mentioned before, Charles labored for unity among Christians. He thought that was best achieved through maintaining unity with the Church of England. When attacks upon unity with the established church arose, it greatly disturbed Charles.
He was visibly distraught.
I was overwhelmed with the burden of our brethren, with such visible signs of dejection, that several, I was since informed, were in great hopes that I was now coming down in my pride, or unsettling, and coming into confusion. Indeed, my faith did well nigh fail me, for in spite of the seeming reconciliation which brother Ingham forces them into, it is impossible we should ever be of one mind, unless they were convinced of their abrogating the law of Christian ordinances, and taking away the children’s bread.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry May 25, 1740, emphasis original
Charles viewed their leaving off of the ordinances as sinful. A threat to Christian unity. The sin of his brethren was a great burden to him. Just like sin within the brethren was a burden upon the Apostle Paul.
Apart from such external things, there is the daily pressure on me of concern for all the churches. Who is weak without my being weak? Who is led into sin without my intense concern?
2 Corinthians 11:28-29,
emphasis added
This is a true shepherds heart. He is not simply concerned with himself or his own well-being. If he was, he would have left off preaching long before now.
His own sinfulness was a great burden. So was the sin of others. He was intensely concerned about the holiness of the whole church of Christ. For the sake of God’s great name.
Forced To Lie Down
Charles was no stranger to heaviness. However, some of his bouts were worse than others. He records a particularly heavy moment:
Such an unaccountable heaviness came over me on the road that I was forced to light and lied down for a quarter of an hour.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry June 21, 1740
Charles was riding his horse. He became so overcome with heaviness that he got down and laid down on the road for 15 minutes.
It seems that God was working in this for the glory of His name.
I rose refreshed with this little sleep, and rode forward till we met a poor old man of eighty; was enabled to preach the gospel to his heart. We left him looking up to Jesus, and went on praising God.
Ibid.
Word Mixed With Faith
Charles records preaching while feeling dead.
I was very dead in delivering it, yet the word was mixed with faith in some that heard it, as they afterwards testified.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry November 23, 1740
Charles was dead in his delivery. But the word still brought life to some who heard, when they mixed their own faith with what they were hearing.
Sometimes preachers are depressed. We can have confidence that it is worthwhile to preach anyway. The word of God truly is living and active, and able to bring life to those who hear and believe.
Dragged To Preach
Charles uses language that demonstrates the force with which he sometimes needed to use upon himself. His flesh strongly resisted against obeying the Lord. He had to drag himself to do it anyway.
Set out for Sunderland with strong aversion to preaching. But I am more and more convinced that the freedom of heart which the Moravians and Quakers so much talk of, is a rule of the devil’s inventing to supersede the written word. Dragged myself to about a 1,000 wild people and cried, “O Israel, thou has destroyed thyself, but in me is thy help.” Never have I seen greater attention in any at their first hearing.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry June 16, 1743, emphasis original
Many today speak about following your heart. The Moravians and Quakers were teaching that in Charles’s day. But Charles was convinced that was a scheme of the enemy.
It shall be a tassel for you to look at and remember all the commandments of the LORD, so as to do them and not follow after your own heart and your own eyes, after which you played the harlot, so that you may remember to do all My commandments and be holy to your God.
Numbers 15:39-40,
Emphasis Added
Charles was averse to preaching. But he was even more averse to following his own heart and flesh contrary to God’s written word. The word commanded him to preach the gospel to every creature, so he obeyed the Lord instead of his flesh.
Looking Through The Veil
Charles was once again burdened before preaching. But he and his hearers were filled with hope as they looked through the veil.
Before preaching … I was so weighed down that I would gladly have sunk into the earth or sea to escape my own burden. But God lifted me up by the word I preached, and filled us all with an hope full of immortality. We looked through the veil of things temporal, to things eternal, and the mount of God, where we trust shortly to stand before the Lamb. Every soul did then, I believe, taste the powers of the world to come, in some measure, and longed for the appearing of Jesus Christ.
Charles Wesley, MS Journal entry July 25, 1744
Glorious! May we all look to Christ and long for His glorious appearing.
Recommended Further Reading
Charles’s Journals are a worthwhile read. Check out our Resources page for the journals and other beneficial books about Charles Wesley’s life and ministry.
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